And time goes by so slowly (Unchained Melody)

This year Noel missed John’s announcement of his engagement and will miss his wedding in Japan next year. But the boys and I carry her with us.

On her birthday just five days ago I was rereading the John O’Donohue poem that Jack and Kathy Berkemeyer had shared with us four years ago.  The poem has always seemed to me like it had been written for Noel.  This time I focused on the following lines:

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.

Noel would be thinking of all of you.  Love to you all.

Clark

I’ve titled this while thinking about Noel’s post she entitled “Homing”; she had a knack for using and turning words to get at the essence of her intended meaning (e.g., her invention of the word “crudge-mudgeon”). Homing was her way of describing her joy at coming home following her surgery. Missing is my way of describing the experience of living without her.

Two years have passed yet her presence is strongly felt among her family and beyond. To say she was “special” conveys what she meant to her family and friends, yet at the same time falls short of capturing that special quality that we experienced but perhaps still cannot adequately describe. For now it will have to do. She was, indeed, special.

Love you, Annie.

Clark

Some friends arranged for a Mass to be said for Noel (Annie) this morning at a nearby parish. John is still home so he went with me. As of course is customary, the priest mentioned Noel by name during the service. In a way it was strange hearing her name mentioned aloud. And then it made me think of the Corita card with the Peter Beagle quote – “Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.” And so I would.  (I gave the card to Annie before we were married – and am looking at it now.  You can see it at https://aswiftcurrent.wordpress.com/tag/damn-everything-but-the-circus/.)

Shortly before she died, when things were still somewhat “normal,” Noel had some genetic testing done. The results did not come back until after her death and I only met with the genetic counselor to get the results on Thursday. As it turns out, she had two pathogenic mutations associated with hereditary ovarian cancer, one of which (PMS2) increases lifetime risk for colorectal and uterine/endometrial cancer by about 15%. Whether the mutations also made the cancer more resistant to treatment isn’t completely clear but was intimated. There apparently is a 50-50 chance that one or both mutations were passed on to the boys, and that her sisters may have them as well, so all will be tested. How much nicer though it would have been to have had the information before the very subtle cancer symptoms first manifested themselves.

Peace,
Clark

I am looking for pictures of Noel/Ann and any stories that you’d like to share.  If you have anything, you can email me offline or just post a request that I contact you.  Thank you – and thank you for the many notes and memories so many of you have already sent and shared.

Hold your families close and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Clark

Noel went down a water slide exactly once in her life. She closed her eyes, went down and then swore she would never do it again – and she never did. This, however, was the exception. Noel took the rest of her life head on, eyes wide open, even if at times those wonderful blue Nebraska eyes were startled by what she saw.

She grew up in the Midwest and was at home with the simplicity of its ways and people. She spent seventeen years as a nun and deeply loved the Sisters of Charity but resolved to do something else when she found someone else she deeply loved.

Married life was an adjustment. She grew up one of three girls before living with nuns. Then all of a sudden she was married and ten months later gave birth to a son and found herself living with two men; which later grew to three. She had to deal with many new things in married life, but she met them all head on, eyes open, touching family and others along the way.

She was a teacher at heart who cared deeply about both what she taught and her students. She was demanding, wanting them to experience the feeling and joy of actually learning. She was also fair, and she truly cared.

The cancer came as a shock. Early treatment results were promising but the cancer never relented. Still, she thought there was time to assess next steps when the bottom dropped out in July and things started to cascade and fall in. To the end, though, her eyes remained wide open, her gaze unflinching, her caring for others undiminished.

We miss her immensely, but we know that those wonderful eyes will continue to hold us in her gaze and her love, and that must be our solace.

Noel’s first thought would be to thank all those who let her lean on them, especially in the cancer years. Thank you all.

Love,
Clark

The service was beautiful. Bishop Daly knows our family well and was able to capture and convey Noel’s spirit, and the eulogists did the same. A good memory. Content of the program below. If anyone wants a copy (the picture on this blog was on the cover), let me know.

MASS IN CELEBRATION OF THE LIFE OF
Noel Ann Stanton
August 27, 2014
Chapel of the Most Holy Rosary
St. Vincent’s School for Boys

Celebrant
Most Rev. Thomas A. Daly

Deacon
Rev. Mr. Cameron Faller

Pallbearers
Luke Stanton
John Stanton
R. John Stanton, Jr.
Jim Stanton
Chad Nightingale
Steve Lipton

Musicians
Dana Couey-Harman
Doug Harman

Processional
Be Not Afraid

First Reading
Wisdom, 3:1-7
Rabbi Shelley Waldenberg

Responsorial Psalm
Remember Your Love

Second Reading
2 Timothy 4:1-2, 6-8
Tim Chambers

Gospel
Matthew, 5:1-12a

General Intercessions
Charley Martel

Offertory Song
Taste and See

Presentation of the Gifts
Gail Piro, Susie Morlock, Kathy Taylor, Sue Neff
Becky Miles, Wendy Barbier, Jeanine Homich

Communion
I Am the Bread of Life
On Eagles’ Wings

Reflection
How Can I Keep From Singing?

Eulogy
Rosemary Nusbaum Murphy
Chad Nightingale

Recessional
All My Days

Noel Ann Stanton died at home in San Rafael on August 22, at war with ovarian cancer but at peace with God and with the love of her family and of friends from throughout her life and throughout the country.

Ann Clare Nusbaum was born and grew up in Falls City, Nebraska, the middle of three daughters of Leo and Evelyn Nusbaum. Her father was the owner, publisher and editor of the Falls City Journal, the daily newspaper of Richardson County; her mother was a social worker and teacher. Ann graduated from Sacred Heart High School and attended Clarke College in Dubuque, Iowa for two years before entering the Sisters of Charity of Leavenworth, Kansas and completing her bachelor’s degree at Saint Mary College in Leavenworth. As a Sister of Charity, Ann took the name Noel, though she remained “Ann” to her family and those who knew her while growing up. Sister Noel taught English Literature at Catholic high schools in Kansas City, MO, Butte, MT and Leavenworth, KS. Her years in Butte were some of the most formative years of her life; she and her students there made mutual lasting impressions.

While studying for her Masters in Theology at the University of San Francisco in the summer of 1974, Sister Noel met Clark Stanton, a new law school graduate who was studying for the California Bar. When she sent him a bird’s nest for his birthday that September, he knew he had met the love of his life. Released from her vows but keeping her name as a sister, Noel and Clark were married in Berkeley in December 1979. During their married life, Noel and Clark lived in Berkeley, CA, Lincoln, NE, and Pasadena, CA before moving to San Rafael in 1993. Noel continued to teach English and religious studies in high schools, including Marin Catholic and, from 1993 until her cancer forced her retirement in 2012, at Salesian High in Richmond. After moving to San Rafael, Noel returned to another of her passions, tennis, which she played as often as she could.

Noel and Clark are blessed with two sons, Luke Stanton of Los Angeles and John Stanton of Tokyo, Japan. Noel is also survived by her two sisters, Ellen Peterson of Mill Valley and Sarah Bradley of Denver. A Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated at Saint Vincent’s Church in San Rafael by Bishop Tom Daly at 11:00 am on Wednesday, August 27, 2014, with a reception to follow outside the church. Internment will be private. The family asks that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to Salesian High School, http://www.salesian.com/support-shs/index.aspx, or to a charity of your choice.

The funeral will be on Wednesday, August 27, at 11:00 am at St. Vincent’s Church in San Rafael (the Marinwood exit off Highway 101, then drive east on tree-lined St. Vincent’s Drive; you can’t miss it). Reception to follow in the square behind the church. Bishop Thomas Daly, former president of Marin Catholic, will preside.

Noel died today at 1:15pm. It was at home and was very peaceful. The boys and her two sisters and I were present. I read the Magnificat, the Canticle of Zachariah, and a hauntingly applicable poem excerpt by John O’Donohue, courtesy of Jack Berkemeyer (below). No date for the funeral yet, though I am trying for Wednesday at Saint Vincent’s here in San Rafael.

I am sad but also the luckiest of men to have had her with me for 35 years.

Thank you for your prayers, wishes, visits and more. We will see her again.

Though we need to weep your loss,

You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,

Where no storm or night or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn

Brightening over our lives

Awakening beneath the dark

A further adventure of color.

The sound of your voice found for us

A new music that brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze

Quickened the joy of its being:

You placed smiles like flowers

On the altar of the heart.

Your mind always sparkled

With wonder at things.

May you continue to inspire us:

To serve the call of courage and love

Until we see your beautiful face again

In that land where there is no more separation,

Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,

And where we will never lose you again.

Sunday was Noel’s 72nd birthday. She got an early start on the celebration by sitting up with the family (our two boys and her two sisters) for dinner Saturday night, which she hasn’t done for a while. She even ate a shrimp – one of her favorite foods. Probably due to the exertion of that evening Sunday itself was a slow day, but she did see two of her former tennis partners and Clark’s cousin Steve Locke (who also is Luke’s godfather). She rallied a bit in the evening for some cards, gifts, a bit of ice cream with her Orgain (an organic form of Ensure), and to hear some bad voices sing Happy Birthday. Monday saw a visit by the hospice nurse and by two old friends, Jack and Kathy Berkemeyer, who go back 40+ years to when they were together in the summer theology master’s program at the University of San Francisco. Jack, who at the time was a priest, recounted meeting Noel in the registration line. Noel then told a story back on Jack, and how she first knew he was a priest, when he became frustrated with the registration process and bellowed to the assembled, “Does anyone know what the f*ck is going on here?” She had a smile of great amusement when she told the story, and Jack left with a new story he hadn’t heard before. Overnight and this morning find her sleepier and weaker, perhaps due to a tiny bit of morphine she took last night to deal with some pain that popped up (and has been resolved). We’re in constant contact with hospice, and a nurse came by this morning to see her and go over the medications. She’s now back asleep on top of her new eggshell mattress topper. Please keep her in your prayers.